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[05 Feb 2004|03:01am] |
Things are off for me. I work a shitty job selling meat biproduct to people who couldn't possibly eat all the food they order. My mom may have cancer. They don't know yet. I feel bad because I don't feel that badd at all about this. I know I should but I can't. I've been living in the past more lately. Things trigger memories and my memories are against me. Fuck it. I've finally put a couple verses to a song I've had a chorus to for awhile.
How have you been
things have been a little fucked for me
and I'm wondering
If your still learning to breathe
It's been so long
since I've said a single word to you
I'm sure you only did
what you had to do
It feels like everyones
waiting for thier time to leave
Isn't it funny
how nothings ever how it seems
I'm sure
that things will get better
I'm just wondering
do you still remember?
And I'll keep watching the sirens
if your just going to pass me by
I just need one thing
another day to say goodbye.
My head hurts and I'm going to smoke a bowl. Goodnight.
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[30 Jan 2004|04:19am] |
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That last entry was shitty poetry popped into my head. Things coming and going.
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[30 Jan 2004|03:10am] |
Darkness surrounding
yet I am complacent
Feeling short of breathing
my body feels spent.
The world so gray it burns
the sounds of victim's crying
I wait on this broken green velvet chair
for the one I know is shining shining.
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[30 Jan 2004|02:13am] |
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In search of a life less ordinary. Things are so boring and I'm growing tired of my position in the world. There needs to be change not repetition. Words fail me but, fuck I don't know where I was going with here. That seems to be the main issue. I just don't know where I'm going.
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[13 Jan 2004|04:23pm] |
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Days fly by with uninspired clockwork. Weeks will soon follow and I know somethings missing. My ribs feel cracked and my throat is on fire. I should drink down my poison and fall asleep but I think I'm all out of the good stuff. My head is fogged so I'll light another cigarette. No one cares if I smoke here and yet they do. Precise positioning is imperitive to our homeostasis.
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[02 Jan 2004|05:59pm] |
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My parents seemingly want me out of thier house so I will be moving back to Lincoln, Nebraska at 10am tomorrow morning. I'm not entirely ready, but close. I just have to put boxes and furniture into the garage. I will be home soon, in my new home, my kick ass 4 bedroom home.
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[30 Dec 2003|01:11am] |
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Things seem off. My neck hurts and I've slept too long. I do feel fairly lonely, but soon I will be back with my friends where I belong. That takes care of one part of the loneliness. The other is a relationship type loneliness. It doesn't bother me as much as it used to. I've gotten past a lot of those issues where I need to be loved by someone. It would just be nice sometime, but I know that after a few days I'd go back to my little hiatus of self. I just don't feel like people really understand the things that go through my head and its not that they don't care it's just hard to relate to someone like that.
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[29 Dec 2003|06:00am] |
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ephedrine + hydrocodone
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| so bored |
[28 Dec 2003|11:28pm] |
1) using band names, spell out your first name:
G: Genitorturers
E: Eat The Day
O: Otep
F: Fugazi
F: Fluke
2) have you ever had a song written about you? no
3) what song makes you cry? none
4) what song makes you happy? Pigface - "Sweet Meat"
5) what do you like to listen to before bed? Whatever I feel like listening to.
6) name a song by coal chamber: Pig
7) who was/were your idol/s when you were younger? Frank Sinatra he rocks.
8) first album you ever bought? I think it was Either Weezer or the Batman Forever soundtrack
9) name a song that reminds you of someone and why. Lori Carson - "Snow Come Down" I've got my reasons.
++appearance
height: fucked if I know, I'm short
hair color: black fading brown
skin color: Pale
eye color: brown
piercings: ears, 6g soon to be a 4 and so on
tattoos: 2, 4 runes on the back of my neck and a design on my arm.
++right now
what color pants are you wearing?: blue jeans
what song are you listening to?: there is no music here
what taste is in your mouth: mountainy dew
what's the weather like?: rainy
how are you?: not too bad but not too great
++do you
get motion sickness?: no
have a bad habit?: yes
get along with your parents?: together, no. seperate....no
like to drive?: yes
++favorites
tv show: Simpsons, Family Guy, old episodes of The Twilight Zone
conditioner: random selections from walgreens
book: The Complete Henry Rollins
magazine: guitar one
non-alcoholic drink: Mountainy Dew
alcoholic drink: doesn't really matter once I'm drunk
thing to do on the weekend: Prepare for the day of reckoning or something.
band or group or singer or rapper: currently: Stabbing Westward, From Autumn To Ashes, A Perfect Circle, Nine Inch Nails, The Cure.
current obsession: none as such
++have you
broken the law: yes
run way from home: yes
snuck out of the house: yes.
ever gone skinny dipping: yes
made a prank phone call: yes
ever tipped over a porta potty: no
used your parents credit card before: yes
skipped school before: yeah
fell asleep in the shower/bath: no
been in a school play: yes, but not willingly
let a friend cry on your shoulder: yes.
++love
boyfriend: no
girlfriend: no
sexuality: bi
children: no
current crush: don't quite know, my head is scrammbled.
been in love?: yes
had a hard time getting over someone: yes
been hurt?: not as bad as some, but i have my days
your greatest regret: No regrets, I am who am I am because of the choices I've made.
gone out with someone you only knew for three days: no
++random
do you have a job: finishing as a gas station attendant and going to a job in food production...taco bell
your cd player has in it right now: Nothingface - "Skeletons"
if you were a crayon, what color would you be?: black with streaks of other colorsin it from someone trying to color over them with the black crayon.
what makes you happy?: my music
who makes you happiest?: friends mostly...mostly
what's the next cd you're gonna get?: Probably Scarling.
who do you consider good friends?: Alan, Travis, Brad, Chris
what do you like to do?: play and write music.
+++when/what was the last
time you cried?: I don't cry often.
you got a real letter?: years
you got e-mail: days
thing you purchased: Nothingface"skeletons" Alexisonfire"alexisonfire" and The Bled"pass the flask"
tv program you watched: I don't know
movie you saw at the theater: The Matrix Revolutions
++your thoughts on
abortion: Pro-choice
teenage smoking: a god given right
spice girls: don't care
dreams: bullshit for the most part, untill you dream the future.
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[27 Dec 2003|11:27pm] |
I'm so tired though I haven't been up very long.
There is nothing to do in missouri.
I need to be back in lincoln.
Oh look a dog with a poofy tail.
There is no reason to post a thing but I'm just so damned bored and I have nothing to talk about.
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[23 Dec 2003|04:22pm] |
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Today was my christmas with my family, I got a cool new watch and a kick ass 35mm camera. I leave tonight for indiana to have christmas with my grandma. blah blah blah sexual inuendo blah blah. I leave you all for a few days of artificial merriment.
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[20 Dec 2003|05:21pm] |
New song I'm writing, completely done on piano.
"Run"
I'm not anything
that you wanted me to be
I don't believe
in anything
All we've learned
is that you pain screams
and my anger
doesn't speak
The sun doesn't shine on us
and the outcomes looking bleak
I can say I've had better days
though I feel so alone
But I can't change
and I will only bring you down
Run away
so far from me
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[20 Dec 2003|11:29am] |
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I've never really had a good christmas, with the exception of the time my grandma told me I'd die in a mosh pit one day and I told her that odds are she'll break her hip in the shower one day. This christmas isn't looking to good either. Maybe it will be bareable if my mom decides not to be suicidal for a day and my dad doesn't blame the whole thing on my existance.
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[15 Dec 2003|09:23pm] |
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All in all I don't know if you'd like me anymore. I really haven't changed much. I just don't know.
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[14 Dec 2003|09:52pm] |
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I've been living in memory for awhile now and for the most part it sucks. I do have good memories but they are few and far between because the bad seems to stand out more. Its the days where you smell or see something that triggers a memory and it all just floods your head. On other topics I think I'm going to quick smoking cigarettes. I can feel the effects. Maybe I just smoke too much. I think I'll start with cutting back or atleast try to, but theres nothing to do in missouri except destroy yourself.
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[13 Dec 2003|10:21pm] |
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People in Missouri look at me funny because I wear shorts in the snow. I was asked if I'm just trying to piss people off. I said yes.
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[11 Dec 2003|04:50am] |
Very little going on around me. I have however found out that it really sucks to go through a glass table. I have also decided that one day I will have sex to the song "Burn" by The Cure, but only with someone who loves the song as much as I do which seems hard to find right now. I have a house in lincoln now. Moving back the first week of January.
It really sucks when you realize how much you've fucked up.
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[01 Dec 2003|07:48pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 chipper |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Ghost Of The Robot - Good Night Sweet Girl |
] |
My Ghost Of The Robot cd came in the mail! I am rejoicing like no other has before.
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[27 Nov 2003|10:49pm] |
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mood |
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 bored |
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| [ |
music |
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The Dreaming - Hole |
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After a long discussion with Mark's girlfriend Katy, we have decided that when I die I want NIN to play at my funeral and I want there to be hacky sack played and pony rides to be abundant. At the end if anyone wants to take a piece of me home with them they may feel free to do so.
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